What if your needs aren't being met?

Hello darling friend!

This inSight was inspired by a man who reads these and wondered if I’d look at this topic. He wrote, ‘life can be going great but somehow the interaction with the spouse can mentally override everything.’

I can completely understand his statement. I’ve noticed when my relationship isn’t flowing nicely, my life doesn’t feel as sweet. So yes, absolutely - how you feel inside your relationship will affect how you feel in your life. As Esther Perel says, “the quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives.”

When something is off you will feel it. Sure, you can still enjoy your days, do fine at work, but under all of that is a discomfort lingering that you know needs to be dealt with. 

From my perspective, the tool required here is truth and honesty. First to yourself. What’s really going on for you? If you can’t blame your partner for how you feel - what do you do?

First name the feeling. (For someone not getting enough attention). I feel rejected. First off, rejection is not a feeling. The feeling could be sad, hurt, lonely, embarrassed or angry. This is where words matter.

If I go to my partner and say I feel rejected, he would probably say, I don’t reject you. But if I say I feel sad, he would ask why and we could talk about it. One way can begin a conversation and the other way can stop it.

HOW you talk to your partner makes all the difference. If there's even a slight bit of blame or make wrong it will probably escalate in a negative direction. That’s why it’s so important to be calm (regulated) before sharing how you’re feeling. 

When you go to your partner with a request, you’ve got to first understand that no one owes you anything. You are not entitled. We should be inspiring our partners to give us what we want - not demanding. 

Do you want more affection, freedom, intimacy, communication, safety, trust? Being specific is helpful here, not vague. These words are vague and won’t help your partner know what to do. 

I feel ______ (truth)
I’d like ______ (honest)

A good follow up question after you share what you’d like is, is there anything I can do that would help you provide this for me? (If they agree to work on it). Remember, they don't have to give you what you want.

Other questions you can ask yourself:

• Are you providing what you want, to them?

• What meaning are you making of it? What story do you tell yourself?

• Are you making your partner responsible so you don’t have to reflect on yourself and sit in the discomfort?

• Is this need so important that you'd be willing to walk away if they say no?

Everyone has needs. And it’s good to let your partner know yours and to learn about theirs. 

What I’ve learned is that when I’m not getting what I need, I have to go inside first. There’s a lot to discover there (and something a quick read like this can’t explain). Stay away from comparing past experiences or wishing it to be different. Stay with what is. 

After you’ve shared your desire, allow some time to pass to see if things get better. In the meantime you give yourself what you need. When you see they have done better, appreciate them for it. As long as things get better over time, that’s growth and a really good thing. 

If you and your partner don’t want the same things, one or both of you probably won’t feel alive or fulfilled in the relationship. Remember, you’re not looking to your partner to make you feel alive or fulfilled. Happiness comes from much more than just one person. That being said, a relationship that flows well is very fulfilling. It's up to you and your partner to decide what kind of way you'd like to flow. 

At some point you either accept your person (with micro improvements over time) or you graduate from the relationship. 

If you want to dig in deeper, or have follow up questions, you can email me at kristi@everythingbeginswithin.com. I’d love to help you figure this out. 

All my love,

K 💛