Hey there precious friend!
I heard this phrase a while back: People pleasers tend to be liars. It stopped me and made me ponder.
Think about it. If you do things for others against what’s inside of you, you’re not being honest. To say what you really mean might not please someone but it’s better than saying what’s not true for you. It doesn’t help anyone really.
Said another way, “It’s not always kind to be nice but it’s always nice to be kind.” That one feels better to me than people pleasers are liars. But they are both pointing to the same thing.
Of course we want to be kind. But sometimes I think we hide behind ‘being nice.’ If you want more connection, try showing all of yourself.
We were taught to be nice. It began with our parents, then our teachers. Be good, they said to us. And often we betrayed ourselves so we would appear nice. Why? To be liked of course. This is not always a bad thing.
Where are you safest to be your whole self, I ask?
People pleasers tend to put the needs of others before their own. Again, this isn’t always a bad thing. Parents can definitely relate to that.
Where do you want to say no, but say yes?
Where do you say no, but want to say yes?
What is it that makes you go in the opposite direction? What’s the fear under the insincerity?
Are you willing to not be liked? Are you willing to feel uncomfortable?
The reasons we people please are mainly to avoid conflict or rejection.
Over time this will lead to resentment and you can begin to lose self esteem. If you can’t speak your truth it can be hard to answer the question, who am I or what do I want?
Maybe you think what does it matter? Just keep the peace. Maybe you think you don’t matter? Well, you do matter.
Your people would rather know the REAL you. That builds trust and intimacy (instead of giving them who you think they want). Plus, if you being you would make them leave you, then let them.
This isn't at all to say be a jerk. It's to say maybe it's time to please yourself first, and then you will be in an even better position to be available to others.
It feels great to give when my own cup is full. The saying is "Fill your own cup first, and allow the world to benefit from the overflow".
All my love,
K 💛
