Hey there sweetheart!
A little continuation from last week's inSight from Alison Armstrong. I read this out to my girlfriend last night and she said wow, I think I’ll need to read it and really let it sink in.
“Men hold themselves accountable to standards that are impossible to fulfill and experience shame if anyone is harmed from them failing to fulfill that impossible standard.”
Then… the shame has them think that they don’t deserve what they need. That they have to be a ‘better’ man to deserve what they need.
(In my coaching it’s often difficult for men to articulate their needs, as if no one has ever asked themselves to consider it).
A man said to me, nobody wants to be rejected and nobody wants to ask for what they want.
Alison’s brilliant reverse engineering suggests you can’t be a better man until you have what you need.
So it’s not based on the past - and have you earned it? Shift to the future - who can you be with _____?
Example: with more guy time, with food that supports you, with movement your body asks for, with admiration, appreciation and affection.
Who can you be, by getting that? Instead of, no, be that person and then I’ll give you that.
We’ve got it backwards. Guys, you’ve done enough. You are enough.
A big question from the ladies that Alison gets is, why do women have to do all the work?
“Women have always been ‘fixing’ themselves - why? So we’ll be loved. If we get you to ‘love us’ then you’ll act right towards us. We’re motivated by feeling.”
Men are working very hard to not be motivated by feelings and especially emotions. They gotta get ‘a grip’ on those things!
We (women) have often been working on the wrong things. We could work on changing our attitude, the way we communicate and our timing.
Men in public generally talk about what they don’t care about because concealment is the default. Don’t give anyone anything they can use against you that they can hurt you with.
So often I see that simply just understanding our differences can help us become closer. Allow more acceptance, compassion and curiosity. I’ve experienced how we can both get our needs met when we come from a giving place rather than a taking place. To be more fluid than rigid.
Don’t we want to make each other happier? So I ask you - What are you doing to make your partner happier?
My guy will be home tomorrow after a tiring 5 day golf trip. I will make him some food, have low expectations, and rub his head while he naps on me. Haha. This will make him happier.
All my love,
Kristi 💛
