Hello beautiful human,
If you want a better relationship, I would like to introduce you to Dr. Stan Tatkin. I’ve been drinking him up lately. Always learning new perspectives and ideas because this is a desire for my life. I hope this helps you also.
If you're currently single, this is a great chance to learn how you might want to look at and prepare your next union.
This is directly from a podcast, so it’s notes, not perfect organization. You’ll get it.
We are all difficult animals. And in the weeds most of the time. Most often in it for ourselves. Under stress we are pro-self. We are co-creators. Can’t see a relationship - it’s in your mind - made up. Subjective. A picture. So we have to DEFINE it.
Made up of ideas, wants, vision. A union among free people. With shared power we have to get each other on board.
Not an ideal mate - an ideal relationship.
People disappoint, we’re messy. There’s a lot you want, a lot you don’t want. We can be assholes. Why do it? Why join ranks? It can’t be just for love and attraction. That comes and goes.
We gonna play fair? How do we treat each other when we’re angry? What is my behavior going to be like? What if I want something and you don’t? Am I gonna make a unilateral decision that’s good for me and so… sorry.
What’s the purpose and reason you’re going to be together? Can’t just be for love. Some do terrible things in the name of love. It’s unpredictable. Need something stronger. Because humans are primates, and by nature can be unreliable, selfish, self centered (me included). Opportunistic, moody, fickle. Is this a negative view? No. Realistic.
Under certain conditions we can do all things that are pro self, not pro relationship. This is about growing up and being an adult. Sometimes we want to do the expedient thing - we want to feel better at the cost of doing what’s best.
Do you go into business with someone because you fall in love? Start a band?
Are they reliable? Are they going to be loyal? Will they work with you or against you? Can you trust them, will they come through, are you on the same page on the vision of what your going to do?
You gotta vet each other if you want the same things. Do you predict, plan and prepare for what could go wrong? You and your partner are shaping this - not books, coaches/therapists, podcasts.
You both have the same things to gain, same things to lose. You need terms and conditions. Play fair, take care of yourself and your partner. Create agreements and share power.
We don’t really care about what we’re doing or why unless we suffer. We don’t want to look at our childhoods. Nobody does that unless we’re suffering. You might look at it but won’t change. We don’t like to change. We change because we must. If we’ve lost something or are going to lose something.
Where are you the same and where do you agree? If you don’t consistently care about your partners interests, fears, concerns - and your own - you will fight.
You work together or you don’t win. The work is coming up with agreements, that you BOTH agree with. This is collaboration. You work on the problem, not each other. What do you do to protect the relationship? It needs to be good for both of you. Respectfully.
Being under stress makes this even harder to do. Both people need to fall on your swords without hesitation and qualification. It’s a team sport. You’re accountable to each other. If you don’t, you build a threat memory. Can’t be right or wrong. It’s a system.
Both apologize then put something in place so you don’t have to fight about that again. Repeating it causes resentment. You need practice.
I’m now listening to his audiobook - In Each Others Care - A guide to the most common relationship conflicts and how to work through them. So I’m sure I’ll be summarizing more when that’s done!
All my love,
K 💛
