Ways to rebuild trust in a relationship

Hello sweet friend,

As humans, we don’t always show up perfectly. We make mistakes and can really hurt or be hurt by another.

Trust takes time to build and yet it can be taken away so quickly. Some people think trust is earned, and others believe trust is given automatically.

If your trust has ever been shattered because of you or someone else, the fact remains that it takes a lot of effort to restore it again. And it can be restored. Here are some ways:

1. Re-commit to each other. If you both feel the relationship is worth working on, you both commit 100% to doing the work to save it.

2. Ask better questions - gain a new understanding of who your person is, not who they were.

3. Acknowledge repair attempts. Change is hard. Express appreciation for actions and attempts made.

4. Prioritize each other - Carve out time for honest and kind communication. What went well throughout the week, what needs some improving?

5. Create some new agreements. Create a plan that works for both of you. Brainstorm some ideas on what you guys could do to increase the trust in the relationship. What do you need from each other? Update old rules or keep them if they are working.

6. Continue giving each other lots of rope. Control is the opposite of trust. No one wants to be controlled so I suggest you both be really aware of the controls you have. It seems like it would be a good idea, but control never works. Then you feel fenced in. Allow each other space to be yourselves. It’s ok to screw up. No walking on egg shells!

7. Don’t trash talk your partner. You’ve chosen this person. You can feel disappointed but trash talk is immature and won’t help.

8. In your mind, see the relationship how you want it to be, not how it has been. Otherwise you stay in the past, ruminating on an old story. That keeps you stuck in the past and you want to move forward. Believe in them.

9. Experience honest conversations. Tell your truth. Hear their truth. No right or wrong. Empathy means understanding. Being vulnerable strengthens your bond and allows you to show up real and raw.

10. Acknowledge and feel your feelings on your own time. Being calm and regulated will help all conversations go smoother. Too much emotion can derail access to your intelligence. If you’re too emotional, it’s not the time to talk.

11. Be patient. Trust takes time to rebuild. Commit to 6 months and reevaluate after that.

12. Get some support if you need it.

Stay open, less rigid and trust that no matter what happens you will be ok.

I have found that trust has a lot to do with integrity. When what people say lines up with what they do. Someone who keeps their word is highly attractive and trustworthy. You witness this over time. And you always have agency over your decisions. Who you choose matters. How you show up matters.

All my love,

K 💛