Hello sweet and amazing friend!
I am blessed to have a few wonderfully supportive people in my life. You really only need one.
It took a while to understand what true, solid support looks and feels like. Until it happened I didn’t even realize what a gift it was and how different it felt.
About two years ago I went to my girlfriend's house. I was emotional, mad, sad and hurt. We sat on her couch. I got right into it. I cried, raised my voice, felt my anger and let it all out. She just sat there. She didn’t say a word. She didn’t offer advice. She stayed neutral. And I moved into calm. Just like that.
No one had ever held that kind of space for me. (I probably hadn’t held that kind of space either if I’m being honest). I thanked her for (just) listening and felt so much appreciation and love for her. I felt seen, heard and cared for. There was no judgement on me, my frantic behaviour or the reason for my pain. It changed me.
Now we have the language for it. It’s called, ‘holding space.’ Recently we’ve decided to text 911. It translates to I’m underwater and need your support. If I go to my partner right now I might blow up the relationship. (If you read last week's inSight, you’ll notice where this came from)!
Support doesn’t have to be guidance or advice. It definitely can be, but if your emotions are high and you aren’t calm, you won’t be open to guidance yet.
Plus it’s super annoying to be told what you could do when you just need to get it out. This is an important stage of moving towards the adult part of our brain. What you say and to whom definitely matters and can have negative consequences if you’re emoting to the wrong person.
It’s also good to tell your supportive person what you need. Tell them you just need them to listen. People who care about you want to help you. But know what you need.
I also want to add a caution: don’t use your friends as emotional dumping pits. They may not be skilled to help you fix what’s causing the pain. If you feel they have heard the same things from you over and over again, they are sick of it.
But there is one that will stand by you no matter what. Find that person. And be that for them. Or pay someone to listen.
We all need someone to just listen. It’s a beautiful thing.
All my love,
K 💛
