What happens when you fall in love
Hey there darling friend,
Happy Valentine's Day!
Why not talk a bit about love? One thing I know is that we all want love. And we all show up differently in love. There are different stages of love. Today I will share what I learned from Dr. Arthur Brooks. There are beginnings of love, experiencing love and also heartbreak in love. And there are never any guarantees.
Stages of ‘falling in love’
ATTRACTION - testosterone/estrogen.
NEUROTRANSMITTERS - dopamine, norepinephrine (stressful/blissful). Can feel like euphoria (reward), an addicted feeling.
SERATONIN DROP - feels like depression. Just like we can ruminate in sadness when depressed, we can ruminate about the partner when falling.
Your brain is imprinting in this stage. To learn a lesson so you don’t make a mistake a second time. But it’s out of proportion so relief is important. This is why you want drugs for depression. But falling in love you want the person to imprint on you because you’re in the process of being pair bonded. Feels like weird obsessive behavior. A tough stage I might say! So you can either feel clinically depressed or you’re falling in love! (Based on how low your serotonin level is).
OXYTOCIN/VASOPRESSEN - bonding hormones. Life partner stuff.
The goal is to get to this 4th stage. This is deep friendship and companionate love (includes passionate love). You want to go through the stages at the same speed. Some people stop at stage 2. They cycle through 1-2, 1-2 over and over, looking for the hit. If you move too fast it can scare people off. Women particularly who fall too quickly can scare the guy off because he can’t keep up.
It’s important to have knowledge so you can make better choices. To not stay in the emotion and to manage yourself!
Then there’s a mystical sense to it, it’s not all chemical. There is something divine about romantic love. You’ve heard ‘one flesh.’ It’s romance and science. Studies show faith based couples have more sex and success.
What is love? To will the good of the other. Feeling is an evidence of love. To love is an act of will and a commitment towards another person's good, their good, as them.
Ok, so how?
TAKE MORE RISKS! Become an entrepreneur of your life. Give your heart away! It’s the best ROI (return on investment). You won’t die. It’ll make you stronger. But we do hate rejection. Make no mistake, it can be painful. Try, fail, suffer, try again. Learning is the benefit. Break-ups teach you:
I know why I behaved like an idiot and I won’t do that again because I’ve matured.
I know what I want now
Why things happen the way they do. I know why things didn’t work out and I’m going to fix those mistakes in the future. (A few break ups help you become better in marriage).
DON’T LOOK FOR YOURSELF (A BODY DOUBLE). Look for a compliment. Difference is hot!
DON’T FEAR THE BREAK UP. Have courage! Bring on risk! Studies show the pain of a break up is 3+/7 but it falls fast. It’s not permanent pain. It goes down each week, and after 6 weeks you’ll feel less than half as bad. Within 6 months you’ll probably be dating again.
